cultivating happiness for myself and in my relationships: part IV

When I was in college, I convinced myself into thinking that having a boyfriend would be the solution to all my problems. He would fill the emptiness I frequently endured in my friendships. He would be my source of happiness. Boy was I wrong. The ego convinces us that one special person or some external factor can make us feel complete or compensate for what seems to be lacking inside (Gabby Bernstein). I’ve learned that it is my own choice to make myself happy and nothing or no one can create happiness for me. When we’re able to truly love ourselves, accept every part of us, and share love with others, that is when real happiness sets in and when we attract and receive love in all ways, shapes, and forms.

“Replacing our inner presence of power and love with one special idol will always be false. But recognizing the presence of love within us offers real power”

I’ve learned a lot from former friendships and past relationships. First, I’ve learned to be unapologetic about what I want. I’ve embraced that I will only settle for what I deserve because if I settle for anything else, that is exactly what life will give me. I will only choose people who choose me, a simple phrase that carries immense meaning. I will choose people who care for me the same way I care for me, who show up for me, who add richness to my life, and who help me be the best version of myself. 

In my past two romantic relationships, I learned so much about myself, being in a relationship, and what I want and need in a partner. December of last year, I met a wonderful person who impacted my life in so many special ways. I realized how beautiful it is to be in a relationship with someone who shares the same culture and traditions as you. 

At the beginning of our relationship, I asked him what his first impression of me was. He said he was instantly attracted to the confidence I exuded, my confidence in who I am, and my sense of purpose. Throughout the majority of our relationship, I had a glow, a spark...It was the happiest I’d been for a long long time. At the end of february 2020, he took the train from Boston to visit me in New York for my birthday. It was during that weekend when I had just found out that my spring break was going to be extended indefinitely because of COVID. Soon after, he also found out that the remainder of his semester would be online. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Yes, what was happening in our world was unimaginable. But, there was a silver lining. We would finally be in the same city and would have our chance at a  “normal” relationship. Navigating a relatively “young/new” relationship during the pandemic turned out to be really difficult. Our freedom was limited and we couldn’t do the things we normally could be doing. As time went on, it felt like our relationship had plateaued. I had lost the confidence and strong sense of self that he had fallen in love with. I began feeling anxious and insecure in the relationship.Things between us felt different for a while and I couldn’t understand what happened. Looking back at it now, I realized life happened. It took me a long time to first admit to myself that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and then be open to him about how I was feeling. I never expected to feel this way and I didn’t want to feel this way. I was scared of our relationship ending, losing a source of love, and not having him in my life. 

Eventually, it became very clear that neither of us was in a position to be in a relationship. This is the time for both of us to learn more about ourselves and grow and for me to rediscover my confidence that makes me special. It’s tempting to stay in a relationship and believe that you can focus on yourself while helping your partner become the person they want to be. But, I realized that trying to be in a relationship with someone’s “potential” instead of who they actually are will not give me what I deserve and will hinder my becoming the person I’m meant to be.

While reaching the decision to end our relationship was hard, it gave me the permission to heal the relationship with myself and directed me to a new beginning. By letting go, I was able to make important realizations - I reflected on my insecurities of not being enough, my reliance on validation and acceptance from others, and not being completely honest with myself and others because of fear of what might happen. Reflecting on how my past informed my present behaviors and patterns lead me towards understanding how important self-love and self-acceptance are to one’s happiness and healthy relationships. I’m still not exactly sure how to cultivate self-love and that’s perfectly okay. I trust my inner guide to show me the way.

I want to share these words from Anna Yusim that resonated with me: “it is often less important whether people end up staying together or going their separate ways. It is more important who they become through that process and how they help each other to grow and transform.” We could not help each other while staying in a relationship. But, I’m hopeful that we can inspire, support, and motivate each other’s growth as true friends.  While I may be physically apart from him now, we are still deeply connected. I look forward to the time when we reminisce at our favorite west village italian bar, with an espresso martini and aperol spritz in hand. 

“I am open to new experiences and relationships that are elevating, eye-opening, and encouraging”

To learn more about my healing journey, head to my blog post about trading anxiety and fear for love and healing my relationship with food. I also share 10 steps towards living a life of happiness, peace, abundance, and love.