healing my relationship with food: part III
I’ve struggled with eating since high school. First it was orthorexia or the unhealthy obsession with healthy food and eating. Then it was constantly thinking about food and planning what I was going to eat for lunch and dinner while I was eating breakfast. Because I became consumed by eating a certain way, I developed social anxiety for a bit - I did not want to eat at restaurants with my family or high school friends. When I started college, my orthorexia wasn’t an issue. Or that’s how it seemed. As I write this, I remember the “unhealthy controls” (aka behaviors and patterns) that had an unfortunate impact on my relationship with food. I wouldn’t give myself permission to eat a bagel, bread, or croissant when I wanted (those were reserved for “special” occasions). I would feel the need to workout in order to “burn off” that pizza, ice cream, or other food I had deemed “unhealthy.” I wouldn’t like to make desserts because I didn’t want to have them in my apartment.
During the pandemic, my restricted, regimented pattern of eating became a bigger issue. I was not eating enough. I fell into the comparison trap. It manifested into me losing weight and losing my period for three months. These physical consequences triggered anxiety and fear of the worst that can happen (later on, I realized that the worst thing rarely happens and it is the worrying itself in the process that does the damage). I also found myself embarrassed - how could I be pursuing a career as a dietitian when I didn’t even have a healthy relationship with food? I quickly put this thought to rest because I knew that I was meant to have this experience for a reason and that it will make me an empathetic and understanding dietitian. It is also important for me to put in this work because you can only take your client as far as you’ve taken yourself. After working with a registered dietitian, who specializes in eating disorders and intuitive eating, I gradually began my process of unlearning and relearning - trading in “unhealthy controls” for “healthy controls,” throwing out food rules for food freedom and reigniting the connection to my inner wisdom. I slowly became flexible in my food choices and eating behaviors. I started eating more because I want to respect and take care of my body. I started to make peace with food. I’m giving myself permission to eat ALL foods, especially the ones I wouldn’t allow myself to freely have in the past with no judgment. A choice for a bagel becomes equivalent to a choice for an apple. This process of normalizing all foods has been difficult and uncomfortable for me because for so long I gave forbidden foods power. I’m reclaiming this power day by day, trusting myself as much as possible, and practicing lots of self-compassion and gratitude.
I’ve also become more conscious of how I treat my body. Through learning the principles of intuitive eating and deepening my spiritual practice, I am beginning to shift my perspective of my body and understand its true purpose. My body is a learning device for deep growth. Gabby Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles helped me recognize how my thoughts, judgments, and energy affect my body. By healing my mind, I’m healing my body. I’m working on feeding myself loving thoughts and positive energy and trusting my body. My relationships with food and my body are works in progress as are most things in life. It’s hard work, but let me tell you, the journey is beautiful and rewarding.
If you are struggling with your relationship with food and/or your body, know that you are loved and supported. If you would like to talk about how you’re feeling or would like recommendations for dietitians and other resources, please please reach out to me.
”I love myself. I am worthy and deserving of my own self love. I am grateful for this body that I am in”
To learn more about my healing journey, head to my blog post about trading anxiety and fear for love and cultivating happiness in my relationships. I also share 10 steps towards living a life of happiness, peace, abundance, and love.